A BRAVE NEW WORLD

So, I did a really really brave thing. I got remarried in front of my closest family and friends at our second home in Placencia Belize. The day was filled with love—something I had not been sure I’d ever rediscover. 

Almost four years prior, I found myself struggling to navigate a bitter divorce, plagued by emotional abuse–one that ultimately ended with my ex-husband’s suicide. There are no words to describe the pain. There are no words to capture the journey towards healing. My only certainty has come from making the decision to get up, dust myself off and to try again.

Starting over and beginning again is scary, not scarier than remaining in a toxic relationship that is literally killing you in every way possible, but scary nonetheless. Society has become somewhat desensitized to conversations surrounding toxic personal relationships, but they exist in every facet of our lives. From relationships in our homes, communities and yes, even our places of work. If the relationships we are in are making us sick, how then can we survive?

It is my hope that we not only learn how to recognize when the relationships that we are in are unhealthy, but also how to find the courage to break free from them. 

Toxic work environments can take many forms-  from imbalanced power dynamics and lack of recognition/appreciation to an impossibly paced grind culture and an environment full of animosity towards anyone who is deemed “other”.  Sometimes even when we are fully aware that our work environment is toxic, we are afraid to leave because leaving would make us susceptible to change. Let’s face it, the fear of not having a job is daunting. The reality for most of us is that we spend more time at work than we do at home. Staying in a toxic work environment not only hinders personal and professional development but also takes a serious toll on our mental and physical health. Eventually, we pay the price for staying. I have in more ways than I care to remember.

I recently took a virtual meeting with a brilliant young woman who reached out via LinkedIn for career guidance. She had spent 4 years giving her all to what she thought would be her dream job, only to find herself burnt out and broken by not only the grueling hours and workload but also while trying to survive as Black woman in an environment where her presence was unappreciated and unwanted. 

Although she confirmed that she is now in therapy, she is still doubtful and uncertain of what her future will hold.

In her words, “I am just so traumatized and I am afraid that most companies that seem shiny and exciting are secretly like this. I am looking and need to find something but how do I know I am not walking into more of the same?”  

I gave her the best advice I could, which is to give the most focus and attention to the people she will work with in the interview/evaluation process. I currently work in sports and entertainment, which is a super sexy industry that lots of people want to be in, but I can’t tell you how many people I know who are stuck in jobs where they are absolutely miserable because of a toxic boss and/or team members. I promise you that the glamour and ticket access DO NOT make up for it. I also know people who work at companies with glowing public reputations for their culture who are truly struggling for the same reasons. That said, I too know people who work at law firms and companies that have a poor reputation for culture, but are happy and thriving because they work on a great team with a fantastic manager and great clients who support and promote not only their professional development but their overall well being.

The common theme is PEOPLE.  I have learned over the years that regardless of how cool a job may seem, we must remain focused on the people who make up an environment. The people have the power to make or break your experience at home, in community and in the workplace. It is the people who will lead you, work around and with you. It is the people who will shape your tenure. Pay attention to the people. Before taking a role, interview the people with whom you will be working and their peers as much and closely as they are evaluating you. If you have the opportunity take note of their internal team dynamics, do! Flat out ask questions about their perceptions of team and company culture. I have learned to tell when an answer is scripted vs. sincere and both are equally telling. The goal is to not be in toxic relationships in any facet of our lives, but should we find ourselves in this position, the goal must then become recognizing it and discovering the power to get out. We owe it to ourselves to be healthy, mind, body, and soul. More importantly, we owe it to ourselves to be happy in and out of the workplace.